No Title

i have found no bounds to this feeling i feel. no edges what so ever, it flies on forever, never coming to a halt. no top or bottom, left or right. just.. nothingness. from the time i wake, to the time i rest... it is whirling around in my soul... if i even have him still. it spreads like the wild fire of blackness, forever consuming all that is left. all that can be done, is delay the inevitable, all will be eaten. and forever lost to the void.

Every single morning, I have to think of a single reason not to destroy myself. And when things aren’t going very well in my life, it’s a lot harder to think of that one reason. And so far, all of them have been lies.

You tell me that I have to live a certain way. You say that I have to be like you, a lemming, a mindless drone, to give up all that makes me….me. All in order to live "correctly" and to be successful, in your eyes. And to go throughout my life, without experiencing all that make life worth living, and to not stray from the chosen path of my life. And my reply to that…."fuck you". I choose how I live my life, not you or anyone else. I don’t like having boundaries, I like to explore. To actually find what I’m ment for in this life.

Love is so stupid; it gives you nothing but pain and sorrow. And out of the millions upon billions of people in the world, there is a single being… that is perfect for you. This being is not perfect themselves, but their love for you is. Even though love is stupid, all of us are searching every single day, in the hopes of finding it. Because once you’ve found it, all the pain you’ve ever had, will fade. And because without it, we are all lost, and life is no longer worth the pain.

The pain you’ve caused me has cut my very soul itself. A wound so deep, so painful, it will always be with me, tormenting me. Even after life has ended, its there, like a thorn in my heart. It never subsides, hitting, pounding me with intense pain. And through this infliction you have placed upon me, spawns anger. The exact anger that drives me to the revenge that is so sweet, to see the joy that you hold… destroyed. To bring you to your knees with the pain you have caused me. No panacea can ever cure me, only the sight of you in pain, and to witness your destruction.

All my life I’ve had this very uneasy feeling. It’s a feeling of not belonging. I always had to ask myself, every day, "why am I here", "what is my purpose", "what do I need to do", "would anyone really care if I just disappeared?" no…. I still haven’t found all the answers, and I probably never will. And as far as I know… I have no purpose. Every single day I have to convince myself that there is a meaning to this hollow life I call my own. I always have to trick myself into believing that, maybe today I will find it, the answer. The answer to why I wake up every morning with this lost and lonely feeling of not belonging. And I thank my friends, for trying to help make me feel like I belong. Even though they don’t know their trying. But no matter what, the feeling is still there. And it will always be there, at least until I find what I’m looking for, what ever it may be.

There is no more point to my life. I have no purpose. Besides my friends. I only live because of them... so that i can be there for them. And slowly im realizing that they are growing weary of my presence. but i will be there untill they no longer want me.. and tell me that they dont. but that does not mean that i dont care... i do. thank you.. I love you all

I have failed, my entire life is a failure. Even as you are seeing this.. i am in the process of failing something. And there has not been a single thing that i have accomplished on my own. I have always failed and fallen, then had to have someone else help me get up. I have never been strong enough to be on my own, and yet, i prefer being alone. And that is why i am leading my self to destruction... like leading a lamb to the slaughter house. and some say that "you havn't failed me" and proceed with some pointless reason.and that is exactly what it is.. pointless. just like me, no point what so ever.

friends stand the test of time. they dont let you destroy yourself, dont leave, and dont pain you. and still, some do, they let you destroy yourself, mentally, physically, as well as emotionally. but always bring you back to your feet. and some also leave you, without your consent. but are always there when you need them. and most will end up giving you pain and sadness. but they always bring you joy and laughter when you need it most. friands are one of the most important things in life... without them, you end up a very lonely person.

what if you are so swallowed up by an emotion that you cant think of all the good things in your life and all the people you love, but can only think of the bad and sorrowful things...even though you do have people who love you. even if you cant go on. and you are so drownd in your sorrow... remember me. for you will see a pathetic being, that hates life and every thing. and you will see how strong you are. to see such a feeble thing, that has suvived this far in life... just look into his thoughts and compare him to yourself.. and you will see.

you expect me to do things a certain way.. to be happy, just so others will not worry and be happier. but all they do is reject me. you expect me to make everyones day, to give them joy... even for the shortest of times. but all they do is reject me. you expect me to always know what to say, so that they'll listen. but all they do is reject me. and every day i want to destroy you... but that would mean killing me.. because we are the same. and i hate you.

im sorry i no longer make you happy. i regret the things i said to make you turn away. i apologize for what i didnt do, which i should have done in the first place. but the thing that i hate most of all.... are the things that we promised each other that didnt come true... and never will.

his world falls down around him, as he slips into the darkness of her eyes. he reaches out to her as she does the same. and as she embraces him, he forgets everything, pains, sorrows, joys, regrets. and at one point in time they are one in the same, both together, for what seems like forever. their souls intertwined, dancing about. and as her tears fall onto his shoulder, they take their last breath together, and separate. he kisses her and they relase the grasp they had on each other.

you speak the exact words that have been running around my mind all this time. o... how confused i am about this feeling i have, and dont know what to do with. and you, so wonderful, so beautiful, so fragile... that you dont even see that your fate has already been laid out for you. and you look at me now, with the sorrow in your eyes, wondering what was so interesting, so fascinating, and why you do not see this any more. you've been so caught up in your own selfish lies that you dont even know who's who, what's what, and what this is doing to everyone. but i havent forgotten, and i will never forget you.

living on the tears of others must be the worst way to live... for you can just get by on the minimum, and just get by living. living on those who are with you day by day.. seeing the tears they shed, is very hard, and makes you not want to go on... but whats worse, living... on those who are gone. for once you begin living on those who have passed, you begin to live off of your own tears. gone... but then you must realize that they arent gone.. just out of your sight... and that you will see them, not now.. but in time you will. once you find out that you feed off of your own tears, you see that life has so much more than you could remember. and the voices of the lost call out to you, telling you to go on, and you do.

lies... they can be the worst things at times... but whats worse, is when your entire life is a lie. you only promise yourself lies, and no one can see that you do. but you still fall further and further, away from everything.

why do i hide my feelings, from those who i feel so strongly for? i still cant believe i've made it this far in life with how i act. not acting on my feelings or emotions, but on fear of loss. everyone seems to leave, always, but i, for some reason speed up the process of a persons loss of interest. always, i cant believe this is how this life is going.

~from side to side it sways, this feeling i know nothing of. back and forth it flies,as all emotion could never equal this. how it feels.. i cannot describe, and yet i put it into words only i can hear. all though i know not what i feel, i feel it all the same, still, every day. its love and hate at its extreme so to say... ponding my body further into the ground, good nor bad it feels.. but on i live with it fo the rest of my pathetic days.

~i stand here and watch you fade from my life.. just as the sun fades below the horizon. the warmth that used to radiate from you has turned to a cold blackness that is not there. and i feel alone. even though there is nothing i can do to stop this pain... nothing i could say to make it better... and not a damn thing i can do to make it back to normal. but you change because you choose to... because you want to... and you leave because you have no choice. its my impure ways that drive you away, my lack of dreams let you think twice. you think of why im wrong.. and you leave. as the sun fades below the horizon

~unknowing where im headed, i choose the path that leads to you. i come to you with a cloud of pain and agony looming above my head. and even though you are in more distress and pain.. you show me the way in the darkness, bacause you yourself have walked its thorny path. together we can find the light. never letting go... we walk the narrow line that divides past and future. leaving only each others voice for comfort, for its the laughter that binds us... deceives us. Forever the walk is... but, forever we shall be.

~forever shall we all see the lies we shove on one a nother. even though our eyes arent blind to the cancer we cause, our mouths forever remain shut. its our own stupidity that drives everyone to the edge of destruction. but, as the moments pass, we forget the true meaning of our creation. we forget to the point were it kills everyone around us, and we still stand deceived. the disease eats away at our insides, and we eventually collapse on each other. so, in the end we're all just corpses... killing the wrongs of others.

~as i sit here.. as unfortunate as ever. i wonder why im the way i am, why things are the way they are. i cannot think of any reason behind these questions. but i fall into the darkness at the back of my mind.

without any hope, i drift in nothing, forever, never knowing where im headed. feel the loneliness, feel the shame... and the pain. all of my insides fall apart, and i break. into a million peices i shatter only to fall further than before.

trying to fit together, but cannot repair. full of thoughts that are broken and incomplete, i still cannot believe anything that is said. but after what is forever... the darkness begins to wane, and a dim light begins to wax. this light is incomplete also, but it is so warm, and comforting. as the light grows day by day... it pushes the fragments towards one a nother. and as the shards fit together, i see the big picture.. and how easy it all is.


	Writings home creations forgotten writing... its one of my ways to express myself.. so i do it a lot. and so, i put it here... although none of these "writings" are poems.. they do have meaning to me, because i have felt or said them all sometime in the past. so, some of this may seem like a bit of gibberish to you, so if you dont understand something.. ask me.. ok. -newest additions at the bottom- i always wondered why i was put onto this planet. and now i know why, to find you... and kill you i always thought love was a bunch of bullshit. but then i found you... and i knew it was bullshit my entire life i've been living in a dream world... and that's how i like it fate has abandoned me and i am left to choose my own destiny fuck life and all it has to offer, its obviously nothing i want i have found no bounds to this feeling i feel. no edges what so ever, it flies on forever, never coming to a halt. no top or bottom, left or right. just.. nothingness. from the time i wake, to the time i rest... it is whirling around in my soul... if i even have him still. it spreads like the wild fire of blackness, forever consuming all that is left. all that can be done, is delay the inevitable, all will be eaten. and forever lost to the void. Every single morning, I have to think of a single reason not to destroy myself. And when things aren’t going very well in my life, it’s a lot harder to think of that one reason. And so far, all of them have been lies. I must be strong… if I wasn’t, then the pain you’ve put me through would have killed me… But I’m still here… and your not. Its time to throw down all my restraints. To get rid of all the obstacles in my way. Destroy all the things that distract me from my full potential……. And so you will no longer be a part of my life. The real journey of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but in having new eyes. You tell me that I have to live a certain way. You say that I have to be like you, a lemming, a mindless drone, to give up all that makes me….me. All in order to live "correctly" and to be successful, in your eyes. And to go throughout my life, without experiencing all that make life worth living, and to not stray from the chosen path of my life. And my reply to that…."fuck you". I choose how I live my life, not you or anyone else. I don’t like having boundaries, I like to explore. To actually find what I’m ment for in this life. I could have killed myself long ago. But I’m not going to, because I have to watch you suffer. I learn from my mistakes. And the rate I’m making mistakes at, I’ll be the wisest person on the earth. Love is so stupid; it gives you nothing but pain and sorrow. And out of the millions upon billions of people in the world, there is a single being… that is perfect for you. This being is not perfect themselves, but their love for you is. Even though love is stupid, all of us are searching every single day, in the hopes of finding it. Because once you’ve found it, all the pain you’ve ever had, will fade. And because without it, we are all lost, and life is no longer worth the pain. Your Destruction The pain you’ve caused me has cut my very soul itself. A wound so deep, so painful, it will always be with me, tormenting me. Even after life has ended, its there, like a thorn in my heart. It never subsides, hitting, pounding me with intense pain. And through this infliction you have placed upon me, spawns anger. The exact anger that drives me to the revenge that is so sweet, to see the joy that you hold… destroyed. To bring you to your knees with the pain you have caused me. No panacea can ever cure me, only the sight of you in pain, and to witness your destruction. That will heal me…. Only that. Your tainted, insignificant flesh pollutes my life Not a day goes by without wading through your blood It keeps happening It keeps repeating Drowned me, now everything is clear Don’t worry; you’ll live within me As a part of me A legacy of torment Don’t pollute me I’m finally pure You have no mercy Live for nothing Your thoughts are of no consequence Squeeze the only things you hold dear And laugh at their flaws I’m one with nothing now Every thing else is dead because Light bends for every one but you Your overwhelming hate becomes your Spite of me I’m here to take what’s left NOTHING Disgrace to anything intellectual and human Your hate is the spear in my side Let it wash over you Let it soak you Your hate gives you purpose Fear drives you Your hate equals fear The only power inherited to you Is the power to imagine that you are alive and well There’s always a way to forget Once you’ve found a way out Drowned in your victims blood It’s all in your mind Wield the power of illusions, that’s it And now you see that it means nothing You’re dying now without meaning Your nothing, your dead I have done all I can Why are you so surprised that you’re gone? You know now everything’s been your own delusional lie You’re so shallow I could wade in your intellect. All my life I’ve had this very uneasy feeling. It’s a feeling of not belonging. I always had to ask myself, every day, "why am I here", "what is my purpose", "what do I need to do", "would anyone really care if I just disappeared?" no…. I still haven’t found all the answers, and I probably never will. And as far as I know… I have no purpose. Every single day I have to convince myself that there is a meaning to this hollow life I call my own. I always have to trick myself into believing that, maybe today I will find it, the answer. The answer to why I wake up every morning with this lost and lonely feeling of not belonging. And I thank my friends, for trying to help make me feel like I belong. Even though they don’t know their trying. But no matter what, the feeling is still there. And it will always be there, at least until I find what I’m looking for, what ever it may be. There is no more point to my life. I have no purpose. Besides my friends. I only live because of them... so that i can be there for them. And slowly im realizing that they are growing weary of my presence. but i will be there untill they no longer want me.. and tell me that they dont. but that does not mean that i dont care... i do. thank you.. I love you all I have failed, my entire life is a failure. Even as you are seeing this.. i am in the process of failing something. And there has not been a single thing that i have accomplished on my own. I have always failed and fallen, then had to have someone else help me get up. I have never been strong enough to be on my own, and yet, i prefer being alone. And that is why i am leading my self to destruction... like leading a lamb to the slaughter house. and some say that "you havn't failed me" and proceed with some pointless reason.and that is exactly what it is.. pointless. just like me, no point what so ever. take my hand. together we can make it through the fire. friends stand the test of time. they dont let you destroy yourself, dont leave, and dont pain you. and still, some do, they let you destroy yourself, mentally, physically, as well as emotionally. but always bring you back to your feet. and some also leave you, without your consent. but are always there when you need them. and most will end up giving you pain and sadness. but they always bring you joy and laughter when you need it most. friands are one of the most important things in life... without them, you end up a very lonely person. what if you are so swallowed up by an emotion that you cant think of all the good things in your life and all the people you love, but can only think of the bad and sorrowful things...even though you do have people who love you. even if you cant go on. and you are so drownd in your sorrow... remember me. for you will see a pathetic being, that hates life and every thing. and you will see how strong you are. to see such a feeble thing, that has suvived this far in life... just look into his thoughts and compare him to yourself.. and you will see. This world is not worth the time and effort... and yet, its not worth loosing your life over you expect me to do things a certain way.. to be happy, just so others will not worry and be happier. but all they do is reject me. you expect me to make everyones day, to give them joy... even for the shortest of times. but all they do is reject me. you expect me to always know what to say, so that they'll listen. but all they do is reject me. and every day i want to destroy you... but that would mean killing me.. because we are the same. and i hate you. im sorry... but i will no longer be. im sorry i no longer make you happy. i regret the things i said to make you turn away. i apologize for what i didnt do, which i should have done in the first place. but the thing that i hate most of all.... are the things that we promised each other that didnt come true... and never will. i miss you already, even though you are right in front of me. and its all because of me, because of my damn stubbornness, and because i cant change. his world falls down around him, as he slips into the darkness of her eyes. he reaches out to her as she does the same. and as she embraces him, he forgets everything, pains, sorrows, joys, regrets. and at one point in time they are one in the same, both together, for what seems like forever. their souls intertwined, dancing about. and as her tears fall onto his shoulder, they take their last breath together, and separate. he kisses her and they relase the grasp they had on each other. you speak the exact words that have been running around my mind all this time. o... how confused i am about this feeling i have, and dont know what to do with. and you, so wonderful, so beautiful, so fragile... that you dont even see that your fate has already been laid out for you. and you look at me now, with the sorrow in your eyes, wondering what was so interesting, so fascinating, and why you do not see this any more. you've been so caught up in your own selfish lies that you dont even know who's who, what's what, and what this is doing to everyone. but i havent forgotten, and i will never forget you. just the simple hugs you bring me every day... help me. forget most that trouble me, forget things that sadden me. for even the simplest hugges.. mean the most to me. -::Sunshine::- living on the tears of others must be the worst way to live... for you can just get by on the minimum, and just get by living. living on those who are with you day by day.. seeing the tears they shed, is very hard, and makes you not want to go on... but whats worse, living... on those who are gone. for once you begin living on those who have passed, you begin to live off of your own tears. gone... but then you must realize that they arent gone.. just out of your sight... and that you will see them, not now.. but in time you will. once you find out that you feed off of your own tears, you see that life has so much more than you could remember. and the voices of the lost call out to you, telling you to go on, and you do. ::thank you james:: lies... they can be the worst things at times... but whats worse, is when your entire life is a lie. you only promise yourself lies, and no one can see that you do. but you still fall further and further, away from everything. why do i hide my feelings, from those who i feel so strongly for? i still cant believe i've made it this far in life with how i act. not acting on my feelings or emotions, but on fear of loss. everyone seems to leave, always, but i, for some reason speed up the process of a persons loss of interest. always, i cant believe this is how this life is going. ~from side to side it sways, this feeling i know nothing of. back and forth it flies,as all emotion could never equal this. how it feels.. i cannot describe, and yet i put it into words only i can hear. all though i know not what i feel, i feel it all the same, still, every day. its love and hate at its extreme so to say... ponding my body further into the ground, good nor bad it feels.. but on i live with it fo the rest of my pathetic days. ~i stand here and watch you fade from my life.. just as the sun fades below the horizon. the warmth that used to radiate from you has turned to a cold blackness that is not there. and i feel alone. even though there is nothing i can do to stop this pain... nothing i could say to make it better... and not a damn thing i can do to make it back to normal. but you change because you choose to... because you want to... and you leave because you have no choice. its my impure ways that drive you away, my lack of dreams let you think twice. you think of why im wrong.. and you leave. as the sun fades below the horizon ~unknowing where im headed, i choose the path that leads to you. i come to you with a cloud of pain and agony looming above my head. and even though you are in more distress and pain.. you show me the way in the darkness, bacause you yourself have walked its thorny path. together we can find the light. never letting go... we walk the narrow line that divides past and future. leaving only each others voice for comfort, for its the laughter that binds us... deceives us. Forever the walk is... but, forever we shall be. ~forever shall we all see the lies we shove on one a nother. even though our eyes arent blind to the cancer we cause, our mouths forever remain shut. its our own stupidity that drives everyone to the edge of destruction. but, as the moments pass, we forget the true meaning of our creation. we forget to the point were it kills everyone around us, and we still stand deceived. the disease eats away at our insides, and we eventually collapse on each other. so, in the end we're all just corpses... killing the wrongs of others. ~as i sit here.. as unfortunate as ever. i wonder why im the way i am, why things are the way they are. i cannot think of any reason behind these questions. but i fall into the darkness at the back of my mind. and i am lost without any hope, i drift in nothing, forever, never knowing where im headed. feel the loneliness, feel the shame... and the pain. all of my insides fall apart, and i break. into a million peices i shatter only to fall further than before. trying to fit together, but cannot repair. full of thoughts that are broken and incomplete, i still cannot believe anything that is said. but after what is forever... the darkness begins to wane, and a dim light begins to wax. this light is incomplete also, but it is so warm, and comforting. as the light grows day by day... it pushes the fragments towards one a nother. and as the shards fit together, i see the big picture.. and how easy it all is. and now looking at the brightness... i smile, and you smile back. ~the scars upon my body bleed when i think of the wrongs that have been placed upon us.